dec 8, 2012 | 90sbeautifuldisaster's Blog

Cut all my hair off. Looked at myself in the mirror and couldn't turn back. I do not know weather i did it for me or to rebel against Shelton. We had a good couple of days and then tonight came. Something just isn't right. But of course that's nothing new. I want to lock him out and go to bed bc at least not having to sleep in the same bed as him is more comforting than not right now. But when he's gone i can't help to think how happy someone else must make him feel other than ne if he insists on always seeing them. Regardless how it makes me feel. I want to just make all these feelings go away, by just sleeping but the pain is always constantly in my face. Tomorrow i really don't want to be anywhere near him, but i have no choice. It pains me how its no big deal to him. I want to take all my meds bc i know it will make me feel better but i cannot see myself harming my child like that. Sigh. I hate this...love is too complex. i am too deep into it to act as if it isn't here and too emo to pretend everything is just peachy. i just want some time to myself without the kids or anyone and just let go. i feel as if i have lost myself and the person i lost myself in is drifting away with me.