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90sbeautifuldisaster's Blog


dec 8, 2012

Cut all my hair off. Looked at myself in the mirror and couldn't turn back. I do not know weather i did it for me or to rebel against Shelton. We had a good couple of days and then tonight came. Something just isn't right. But of course that's nothing new. I want to lock him out and go to bed bc at least not having to sleep in the same bed as him is more comforting than not right now. But when he's gone i can't help to think how happy someone else must make him feel other than ne if he insists on always seeing them. Regardless how it makes me feel. I want to just make all these feelings go away, by just sleeping but the pain is always constantly in my face. Tomorrow i really don't want to be anywhere near him, but i have no choice. It pains me how its no big deal to him. I want to take all my meds bc i know it will make me feel better but i cannot see myself harming my child like that. Sigh. I hate this...love is too complex. i am too deep into it to act as if it isn't here and too emo to pretend everything is just peachy. i just want some time to myself without the kids or anyone and just let go. i feel as if i have lost myself and the person i lost myself in is drifting away with me.

dec 2 2012

Well. I am up and exhausted and hating every minute of this whole ordeal. My fiancee is out for the night and I just can't sleep. I have been like this the past couple times he went out. I trust him. I am just insecure as hell. I hate this bc he has never given me a reason to feel this way. I don't want to tell him no don't go out. That is mean. sigh iono what to do. we got into it last week bc i thought he was cheating and wasn't. ugh k just don't know. My anxiety levels are high, i am having horrid hot flashes, i am paranoid as hell, and i just know my moods are all over the damn place. u just started back haldo and celexa so hopefully these will help with my issues and horrid depression i been having lately. I wondrr if my paranoia can be making matters worst?

fact: i am stressed

I have been trying to plan my daughters party and it's an epic fail. I can't get it how i want it to be,had,to reschedule twice. And still can't seem to figure out the major stuff like,food. So I'm kind of like f it. I give ip and want to cancel bc i am so stressed out. Then my daughter is trying to go backwards in her potty training by peeing on the floor and she knows how to use the potty! My youngest baby thats 7 months cries so much it's sad. I just want to put her in the crib and just let her yell it has gotten so bad. I am so frustrated and just do not know what to do. I want a break but doubt if i am going to get one . I dont want th cook, clean, have sex, watch the kids, work or anything. I jusr really want to sleep. I stress over every little dthing

May 26, 2012

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March 31, 2012

Finishing up my chipotle and decided to do a quick blog. Emotionally, physically, and mentally drained. Tired of having to deal with insane, irrational people. It doesnt take much to please me and I long to be near somebody I love and feels love me back. These past two weeks have been a trip. I made a trip from one state to the other,  flipped out on my mom and my oldest daughters grandmother, got served with bullshit custody papers, cussed out my aunt, tried to play nice with my scheming mom, talked to iono how many lawyers, and was nice to people who I know can't stand me. I am literally 5 seconds away from checking myself into the looney bin. But honestly that is the last place I want to be .,right now. I feel overwhelemed. But at the same time I think I have too many responsibilitied to have time to get overwhelemed. The dude is def my rock right now because I want to just give up and cry (which i did) but i mean just stay down. He will not allow that to happen. I swear sometimes he knows me better than I knew myself. Today was a relaxed day. Caught the rail to do some errands and then decided to meet up with an old friend at the mall :) Babygirl got a little grumpy but eh...I cant blame her. She is only 2 months and was stuck in a baby carrier all day pinned to me and her dad lol. I keep having dreams about what I am going to do if I lose custody of my oldest to her grandparents and honesty it is nothing good. Some of my thoughts and dreams scare me. But the cease to stop. Guess thats part of going through the emo rollarcoaster. Welp I am tired, worn out, and full. GN and GM :)

March 15, 2012

SItting here on the beach. It is soo pretty and reaxing here. Just what I needed. Relaxation. I left the dude home with the baby and headed here at 9 am. Selfish? Maybe. But is it more selfish sitting at home sad and moppy because I have to deal with my family trying to run my life. I only stayed up until about 12 last night and tried to push back all my emotions from what is being asked of me for the night and failed miserably. My stupid internet is not working at the house so i haven't been getting on. I just cannot get my mind around the fact that verytime I find a little bit of happiness I am forced to change it. Either its my stupid uncontrolable emotions or my family. Now I am faced with having to choose between my youngest daugher father and my oldest child living with me. That honestly should not be something that I have to make a decision about. I should be able to live how I want to live. I find it absoluetly amazing that my mother (the one that is causing this drama) is able to control my life even with me being 700 miles away. Using my oldest daughter like a damn pawn that winch. I want to throw daggers at her face. Brutal no. I swear misery loves company. I do not understand it. I promise you I never will. What I want is always pushed to the back burner and then I get the "you have to make sacrifices as a mother speech." Yeah wtf kind of sacrifice is that. Lets force her to be a single mother of two children when there is someone who wants to be with her and raise their child and a child that not his together and have a family. This couldn't happen at the worst time. I just got into a program that can help me with my disorders and I have a hard enough time dealing without meds on my own. It is extremely helpful to have someone else there. I am terrified of being alone with my girls all day. I do not have the patience and my dude help keeps me sane. My biggest fear is being on of those mothers who snap on their children for no reason. My family always be like prayer will make all the wiers feelings u have go away and help when you lose control. Do not get me wrong. I am Christian or whatever, but I do not trust that theory. Not even a little. I wont get to see a psyh until may. Man o man thank the lord I am at the beach right now. It is very calming. And venting. I just wish I could have a normal drama free life and enjoy when I am somewhat level or not all crazy and emo and all that. I seriously think that moving to another place will so that I will be away from my family will be the best thing. I just have to get stable on my meds and therapy i suppose. Man this beach is sooooo awesome. Living in the city and having no beach sucks. I am loving this. The only thing I am truely liking about being here.

March 1, 2012

Today was overall a good day until my aunt decided to come into the house ranting and raving about how my dude and I left to go handle some business and did not tell her. As much as I love my aunt this ignoranace is BEYOND me!! How can you possibly be upset about people trying to better their lives and accepting some help that was offered to them. I just do not get it. On the bright side I have decided I want to go incognito for a little bit I am really tired of everyone trying to run my life. Only I can run my life. My boyfriend and I just need that. I like the sound of that me, him, and my girls :) yup. We clash, but he sticks by my side. I know it is hard to deal with me and my craziness, but I am going to the dr tomorrow to get my assesment and hopefully it will approve with time :) I strive to be independent and keep it constant. I should not always feel like I am a target of negativity. In my 21 years of living I have seen enough drama. In other news I am soooo sick of hearing about Whitney Houston! I was at Walley World today and almost all the magazines where about her! Heres my thought on it! All the stories say her caise of death was due to a suicide attempt. Surprised? NO!!She was a great artist with a drug problem. Let her RIP and move on. Thinking of dying my hair red. hmmmm.....we shall see.

Kinda Upset at Myself

I hate when I take a supposedly relaxing shower and start thinking too much. I attempted to work out about an hour an hr ago and wanted to give up so bad. I feel like I am always giving up on things in my life even the simplest of things like following a work out video. Maybe .I am just being too hard on myself. I looked at myself in the morror and was like dang it! I can point out a thousand things I do not like about myself. How can I do this. I am suppose to love myself more than anybody and right now I do not feel that. My bf wants to be a cuddle cuddly and huggy kissy and stuff. Right now I am just not that into that. I am not happy with myself I am almost 22 and have not accomplished anything in my life and I do not see myself doing anything in my life later.....I want to do so much I have all these high expectations for myself that I know I will never reach. I do not know why I wont just stop making excuses and do it .I try and I quit. Maybe I should start with this weight and exercise thing. Just keep at it no matter how much I want to say enough and quit. I have far more potiential than what i show to my family and friends, but for some reason I do not have enough strength and faith in myslef to pull out all the best moves at each stop. Sigh...UCK! Going to go catch up on Vampire Dairies and go to bed.

Ca-Wink-A-Dink?

Last week I gathered my things after being in the dump for about a week or so. Wrote my suicide letters and then proceded to plan to committ suicide that night while everyone was asleep. I recieved a phone call and everything changed, if it wasn't for that call I wouldn't be here today. The funny thing was it was a job I had applied to. Just feeling a little bit important and the thought of being more than just a stay at home mother, and being appreciated for other skills than just what a woman is "made" to do stopped me from going through with it that night. I honeslty cannot say why that call came right before I went out the door or why I get so depressed when I see myself staying at home with my children and not going to work everyday. I should be happy to have the opportunity to spend time with my girls everyday. I just feel so useless being at home with them everyday even though I am not useless. They depend on me for everything. My logic do not even make sense to me. One minute I feel like the whole world is against me. Today I am fine and non chalant...well right now. I do not know how long this will last. That sucks. It may last a couple weeks. A few hours. A month. WHO KNOWS?! The ups and downs.....I contacted a place here where I live to get some medication for my disorders. I cannot see myself committing suicide and then my girls having to live with that tragedy because their mother couldn't deal with life....yeah...nope...that sounds horrible. I just want to be the best I can and give all of myself without feeling like I am going to snap or out of control.

My Safe Haven

Bpd...bipolar...is what brought me to EP. I love to write about my feelings and stuff that is going on wih me because I am not the type of person to talk about how I feel because I fear being jugded or looked at different. I am just going to considering my safe haven and blog here.

Some things I just absolutely, postively cannot shake. This is one of those things. I miss my oldesrt child so much it hurts. I have been away from her since December. I am at the point where I do not know what to do. The agreement was I leave her where she is...with her grandparents, so I could move to FL and get myself settled and ready to have a new baby b/c I lost my place. Now that I am ready for her. I am not ready to have her....according to my parents. When my mom told me that she basically wasn't going to let me have my daughter and I was going to have to fight for her I told her I was going to cut her throat. Some people may gasp at that. Honestly I felt okay saying that. Extremely low remorse. I find it hilarious now a days when she says what happened to my sweet daughter and blah blah blah. I am sweet. Always have been, but I do have a not-so-sweet side. I have always been that girl who acts one way one day or one minute and another the next. I find myself losing control of these random mood changes more and more, expecially last night. I do not know what to do....or say about anything. Getting out of bed is hard and pretending as if everything is okay is hard...and the pretending thing is something I say I have perfected throughout the years, now have no fighting chance. You can tell there is something wrong. It annoys the heck out me. I considered taking medicines to just make it go away, but in reality I have 2 girls to live for even though I feel as if I will never get to see my oldest until they think I am ready. I do not see myself ever being ready. Realistically I should be able to plan for the future, but I can't. I do not know why I can't. I just can't. I can't even tell yu how I am going to be tomorrow, less known 5 years!!! I guinuely do not know how to answer that and it sucks when the people who have your child thinks that is a question that have to be answered along with a carried out plan...they don't understand I can't. I just want to cut again to relieve some this stupid pain, but I keep stopping myself....I have grown from that. I do not know what to do. Stay depressed and just get over it. Be mad and really hurt somebody, because I can see myself doing it and not caring. I can honestly say that. What I want for myself is to be able to stay working at one place for awhile, live in the same place for a yr or so, and be able to be in a relationship where I am not an emotional wreck. Instead all of these things are impossible to me no matter how much I try to make those things work for me. I hate talking to anybody about anything because I hate being judged. I am a writer. I feel safe in my writings. Pen and paper or typing seems to feel more protected than talking. I just want this to go away and be happy. Something that seems to be hard as hell to obtain.

My Safe Haven

Bpd...bipolar...is what brought me to EP. I love to write about my feelings and stuff that is going on wih me because I am not the type of person to talk about how I feel because I fear being jugded or looked at different. I am just going to considering my safe haven and blog here.

Some things I just absolutely, postively cannot shake. This is one of those things. I miss my oldesrt child so much it hurts. I have been away from her since December. I am at the point where I do not know what to do. The agreement was I leave her where she is...with her grandparents, so I could move to FL and get myself settled and ready to have a new baby b/c I lost my place. Now that I am ready for her. I am not ready to have her....according to my parents. When my mom told me that she basically wasn't going to let me have my daughter and I was going to have to fight for her I told her I was going to cut her throat. Some people may gasp at that. Honestly I felt okay saying that. Extremely low remorse. I find it hilarious now a days when she says what happened to my sweet daughter and blah blah blah. I am sweet. Always have been, but I do have a not-so-sweet side. I have always been that girl who acts one way one day or one minute and another the next. I find myself losing control of these random mood changes more and more, expecially last night. I do not know what to do....or say about anything. Getting out of bed is hard and pretending as if everything is okay is hard...and the pretending thing is something I say I have perfected throughout the years, now have no fighting chance. You can tell there is something wrong. It annoys the heck out me. I considered taking medicines to just make it go away, but in reality I have 2 girls to live for even though I feel as if I will never get to see my oldest until they think I am ready. I do not see myself ever being ready. Realistically I should be able to plan for the future, but I can't. I do not know why I can't. I just can't. I can't even tell yu how I am going to be tomorrow, less known 5 years!!! I guinuely do not know how to answer that and it sucks when the people who have your child thinks that is a question that have to be answered along with a carried out plan...they don't understand I can't. I just want to cut again to relieve some this stupid pain, but I keep stopping myself....I have grown from that. I do not know what to do. Stay depressed and just get over it. Be mad and really hurt somebody, because I can see myself doing it and not caring. I can honestly say that. What I want for myself is to be able to stay working at one place for awhile, live in the same place for a yr or so, and be able to be in a relationship where I am not an emotional wreck. Instead all of these things are impossible to me no matter how much I try to make those things work for me. I hate talking to anybody about anything because I hate being judged. I am a writer. I feel safe in my writings. Pen and paper or typing seems to feel more protected than talking. I just want this to go away and be happy. Something that seems to be hard as hell to obtain.

1-10 of 10 Blogs   

Previous Posts
dec 8, 2012, posted December 8th, 2012
dec 2 2012, posted December 2nd, 2012
fact: i am stressed, posted September 19th, 2012
May 26, 2012, posted May 26th, 2012
March 31, 2012, posted March 31st, 2012
March 15, 2012, posted March 15th, 2012
March 1, 2012, posted March 1st, 2012
Kinda Upset at Myself, posted February 27th, 2012
Ca-Wink-A-Dink?, posted February 27th, 2012
My Safe Haven, posted February 19th, 2012
My Safe Haven, posted February 19th, 2012

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